Shame
by EbonyKittyCat552
Summary: Kanda has a not-so-little secret that he's determined to keep locked up inside... it's best, after all, to forget that it ever happened - read warnings please


I'm telling y'all first thing that this is _not_ a happy fic by any stretch of the word. I was in a _very_ bad mood when I wrote this

I'm kinda hoping no one is extremely offended by this either, but I'm putting up warnings... read them _please_

Warning: rape (not graphic, though there are some semi-explicit details), swearing, disturbing imagery, mention of disturbing topics, non-explicit character death/murder, mental issues... if any of these bothers you _please_ go find something else to read

Disclaimer: Kanda, Daisya, Tyki and Tiedoll do not belong to me, they belong to Katsura Hoshino

Btw... it has mention of my OC from Moonlight in it... it's not overly important to the story, but I figured I should mention it

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Kanda's bleary mind didn't really register exactly how he'd gotten onto the cold, hard ground where he was right now. His eyelashes fluttered softly against his cheeks, but he was terrified to open them, knowing what he would see above him. Every single inch of his body ached.

Echoes of pain washed over his body, which was bare and covered in a sheen of sweat. The young exorcist was horrified to feel the sticky wetness that lingered over his belly and wished in vain that he had something to wipe it away with.

Every inch of his body trembled. Sharp, roiling pain burned low in his stomach. It wasn't physical pain. It was something else, something he recognized, though he'd never really experienced it before: shame.

A pathetic whimper burst past his lips as he dared roll over onto his side. Hot pain slid up his spine from between his thighs. He could _smell_ the blood and sex in the air, and the scent of that Noah. His body shuddered against just _thinking_ about the man whose hands had been all over his body, which had stroked his thighs in a mocking, pale imitation of a lover's caress and teased him into arousal with cold fingers.

How could he have… enjoyed that? The boiling heat in his stomach curled sharply, and bile rose in the back of his throat. How could he…?

Opening his eyes for the first time since the Noah had abandoned his shivering body, Kanda blinked up at the pale, blue-lipped visage swaying faintly overhead. Dull eyes stared back at him from a familiar, slack face, watching him unblinkingly, condemningly. Daisya.

He was dead, his body trussed upside down and crucified brutally, though there wasn't a mark to be seen on him to indicate how exactly the Noah had killed him. The smile on his fellow exorcist's face had no life. There was nothing peaceful about it, not to Kanda's disbelieving eyes. He didn't believe in such sentimental nonsense.

But it still felt like the man watched him. He felt _dirty_.

Kanda pushed himself upwards on shaky legs, searching for his pants and trying to ignore the dizziness that buzzed over his thoughts. As he looked down at his body, he wanted very badly to be violently ill, though it would be disrespectful to do so in the presence of his former comrade's corpse. _Haven't you already disrespected him enough? The only thing that could've been worse was watching the Noah violate his dead body!_ Luckily for him, the Noah wasn't into necrophilia.

Dark blue eyes moved across the bare flesh that was illuminated by faint light. Bruises marred much of his skin, particularly across his thighs and hips. The rest of the vibrant little marks were bites. The Noah had sucked almost hard enough to break the skin in many places!

That fact alone wouldn't have been enough to disgust Kanda. The bruises would heal very quickly, as would the tearing in more uncomfortable places. No… that wasn't what was bothering him so much. He'd dealt with much greater physical agony in his short lifetime.

What really bothered him was that he'd _enjoyed_ it. Every time the Noah's lips touched his skin, he had let out a little gasp or moan. When the man's mouth had descended on his cock, he'd almost begged for relief. And after the initially painful violation… his body had liked being fucked very much. Looking at himself now, Kanda felt his skin crawling. He wanted to find a hot shower somewhere and scrub every inch of it free of that vile man's touch. It seemed to have imprinted itself into his very flesh.

The most striking moment, though, was when he'd arched up in release and opened his eyes… opened them to find Daisya's empty gaze staring mockingly back at him, watching him writhe in ecstasy with the very man who had murdered him. The sight had brought Kanda crashing back down to earth with a sickening clench in his gut.

Growling, he closed his eyes tightly and scooped up his pants, yanking them back on despite the pains shooting up his spine. He couldn't let Noise Marie see. He couldn't let _anyone_ see. The finders would be here soon to look after Daisya.

The exorcist only paused once he'd zipped his coat back up, covering all evidence that anything had happened there at all. Casually, he scraped his boot over the dirt which his blood had stained, mixing it away into a sea of similar dirt until it was unrecognizable. His mind was on other matters.

_Val… what do I do? What do I say?_

He didn't know if he could stand to have anyone touch him right now. The very thought of his lover _kissing him_ was enough to turn his stomach. Kanda leaned against a lamppost across the street, bowing his head in an effort not to bring up the contents of his latest meal. With a hopeless sort of feeling swirling through him, Kanda wondered how he'd ever be able to face his beautiful, adoring lover ever again, knowing that he'd lain beneath another—at the sight of his semi-adoptive brother's murder!—and loved almost every moment of it. Tears pricked his eyes. Would Val… hate him? He certainly wouldn't have been pleased if Val came and told him that he'd enjoyed someone else's intimate attentions!

_If it had been _him_ who had been raped, would you have blamed him?_

Kanda would not have. His foggy brain still had trouble realizing that Val would not have held it against him either. His eyelashes fluttered, gathering little beads of saltwater on them as he struggled to control the stinging behind his eyelids. Kanda thought that if he so much as blinked it would release a floodgate of that horrible, sharp, acidic emotion which plagued him.

_I want to forget._ If he could forget and pretend it never happened… _Maybe Val won't hate me._ He didn't really want to lose the only person who really loved him because of _this_.

Well, not the _only_ person…

But then, he wouldn't expect Tiedoll to take this any better. He'd had sex with the enemy at the foot of the post where Daisya had been crucified. He'd looked up into the dead exorcist's eyes as he was fucked, as he came, crying out for that son-of-a-pox-ridden-dockside-whore! What was _wrong_ with him?

A tear escaped… and another… They were little burning droplets of shame. They might as well have been hydrochloric acid for how they felt on his cheeks. _Do I even deserve to feel sorry for myself?_ he wondered. Probably not. He had sinned, but… but this was a whole lot worse than simply lying with another male, wasn't it? No one cared about the chastity rules! This was a whole different level.

_I'm disgusting._

"Kanda! We've found you! Have you seen…?"

He didn't look up when Noise's voice wavered. Blinking down at the ground, Kanda found that he could barely bring himself to _breathe_.

Finally… "Daisya…" he whispered. "He's dead." There wasn't a trace of emotion in his voice, which was just the way he liked it. The only reason for Noise to think that he felt even remotely sad (or anything else) was that his voice was not quite as firm and loud, as _powerful_ as it usually was.

"We should get the finders."

"Yeah…" Kanda didn't want to move, but he forced his body into action anyway. After all, what right did he have to sit here and cry over this? His stomach turned over as he thought about telling Tiedoll that Daisya was dead. The crazy old man looked upon all his apprentices as if they were his own children.

He couldn't tell Tiedoll about… that. Absolutely not.

And he couldn't tell Val either.

He couldn't tell _anyone_.

All he could do was sit alone and burn to death in his own shamed silence.

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I haven't been in a good mood for a while, but this fic really does make me sadpasta. I dunno why I always end up writing stuff like this, but *shrug* not much I can do about that, I guess

Also, the sequel to this is called Rain, and I've posted it

Review if you wish to


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